


Special Delivery

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 10:46:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18259703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: A visitor has come to theRed Dwarf.  What secret treasure might he bear?Hogey returns!





	Special Delivery

_*Target sighted*_

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_*Target in range*_  

 _*Target acquired*_  

 _*Fusion sequence initiated*_  

_*Fusion sequence complete*_

_*Docking successful*_

The pilot of the small craft ran a final systems check. Satisfied that everything was in order, he slipped through the temporary portal he’d established in the hull of the target vessel. He activated the small tracking device he clutched, consulted its readout for a moment, and set off in pursuit of his quarry.

The intruder skulked through the vast network of corridors and access tunnels for what seemed like hours, gaze intently fixed on his scanner’s display. He crept past a laundry room where a mechanoid was cheerfully folding towels. He slid by a doorway through which a cloying reek of perfume and incense lazily wafted on currents of stiflingly warm air, accompanied by the oddly pleasant sound of feline yowl-song. At long last, his tracking unit chimed softly. He paused outside the quarters the tracker indicated, pressed his back against a wall for a moment, steeling himself for the imminent encounter, then resolutely stepped forth.

“ _Humo!_ ”

The focus of the hunt was comfortably ensconced upon a worn leather sofa, playing a video game. He looked over at the doorway as the intruder hailed him, and grinned. “Hey, Hogey! Where have you been, man? Here to take us up on that baking challenge?” Turning his head towards the shower room, Lister hollered, “Rimmer, our favorite nutter is here!”

“NO DUELS!”

“I is not here to duel, _humos_ ,” Hogey replied indignantly. “You always thinks I want to challenges you to a duel. Do you thinks I am that single-minded?”

“Yes,” Rimmer answered, emerging from the shower room amidst a billowing cloud of steam, clad in his blue silk dressing gown with a towel wrapped around his head. He plopped down onto the sofa next to Lister, and scowled at the rogue droid. “You are that one-dimensional, squire. How many times do we have to tell you no more duels?” 

“Rimmers, I is telling you, I is not here to duel. I is bringing you this.” Hogey fished a small parcel from within the depths of a leather satchel slung over his shoulder. Lister tried to rise to take it from him, but was unceremoniously shoved back down onto the sofa by Rimmer. The hologram stood protectively in front of his partner, shielding him from Hogey, hazel eyes blazing with unspoken challenge.

Rimmer growled, “Hogey, you dry-rotted git, how many times have we been over this? If you so much as breathe in Lister’s direction, I’ll rip off your stupid head and drop-kick it across the diesel decks. Now, what the hell is that?”

Lister tried to push Rimmer out of the way, but was powerless against hard-light strength and his husband’s innate mulishness. Settling for peering around Rimmer’s hip, he asked, “What have you got there, you crazy smegger? Is that for me?”

Hogey impatiently stamped his foot. “I is not here to fight,” he insisted. “I is working!” 

Rimmer rolled his eyes as Lister snorted in amusement, “Working? Doing what? Mate, who’d hire you? Oh, by the way, nice shorts. That’s a different look for you.”

“I is a delivery man now,” Hogey stated proudly. 

“You what?”

“I works for UPS. I is delivering to you today.” The droid puffed out his sunken chest a bit, and ran one gloved hand over his combover, preening.

“Explains the shorts,” Rimmer snickered.

Lister smacked Rimmer’s arse gently in reproach. “Move, man. He’s harmless.” As Rimmer resumed his spot on the sofa, Lister asked Hogey, “Working, eh? What brought that on?”

Rimmer butted in, scoffing, “Rogueing around not paying the bills anymore? Did the dueling business hit a slump?”

“Hush, babe. Let him talk.” Rimmer yelped softly as Lister reached behind him and administered a reproving pinch to his backside. 

“As I is saying before I is so rudely interrupted, I is delivering for UPS now. My ship is needing upgrades, and I needs a steady income to pay for them, so I is a working droid now. I has good benefits now and everything. Today, I is delivering a parcel for you from the All-Droid Mail Order Shopping Station.” Hogey held the package out to Lister again, eyeing Rimmer apprehensively. 

Delighted, Lister hopped up off the sofa and took the box from Hogey. “Smeggin’ hell, that was fast! I just ordered this two days ago!” He pulled his knife out of his boot and began cutting open the thick layers of tape wrapped around his order. 

Rimmer leaned over to watch him. “Do I want to know? Wait, let me guess. Another walrus polishing kit? A new Talkie Toaster, because you miss being harassed about toast? One of those idiotic Stirmaster things you wanted before?”

“Nope, better,” Lister answered, busily prying open the cardboard. 

“Not a new bloody guitar.”

Lister paused to stare at Rimmer for a moment. “Does it look like a smegging guitar would fit in this box?”

“Well, with modern packaging tech, you never know nowadays.”

As Rimmer and Hogey looked on curiously, Lister tossed the yards of bubble wrap and crumpled-up paper cushioning the contents of the parcel onto the floor, then triumphantly pulled out a plastic bag with a small bottle inside. He tore the bag open and cradled the bottle in his hands almost reverently. “I can’t believe it. I finally have it.”

Rimmer slid across the sofa to have a look. “Have what, Listy?”

Lister showed him the label with an impish grin. Rimmer studied it for a moment, then blushed. “Is that...?”

“Yep. Lager-flavored lube, made with real beer. Been wanting it for ages. Want to give it a try, love?”

As Rimmer pulled Lister down onto his lap and claimed his lips in a passionate kiss, Hogey cleared his throat. “ _Humos_? Guys? I is needing a signature here. Guys?” He approached the couple, eyes averted from the show. “Um, guys?” Someone’s hand, he wasn’t certain whose, reached out from the tangle, grabbed the proffered stylus, and scrawled an acknowledgement on Hogey’s scanner. “Thanks,” Hogey stammered, lunging for the safety of the corridor. 

As he hightailed it back to his ship, UPS’s newest driver wondered for the first time if his job was really worth it.


End file.
